


What Even is Purity?

by MiceAndIce



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen, Humor, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 10:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4872919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiceAndIce/pseuds/MiceAndIce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Innocence has taken the form of a unicorn, and both the Noah and the Exorcists are having a difficult time catching it.</p>
<p>Some research and an unexpected event involving this Innocence reveals some rather interesting information about a certain Noah though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Even is Purity?

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this story on fanfiction.net, but I decided to post it here as well because I quite enjoy this piece of shit and hope others will too.

Who knew a unicorn would be causing so much damn trouble?

Lavi sighed in frustration as he flipped through yet another book on mythology, looking for more information on unicorns. Honestly, he never would have guessed there would be a day when he would be studying this kind of stuff seriously.

A piece of Innocence had been discovered in a deep and great forest in Germany, and for whatever reason it had taken the form of a unicorn. Lavi had known that unicorns were a part of the Bible for some time, but he also knew that that had simply been an incorrect translation for an animal called a "re'em." Apparently, this piece of Innocence hadn't gotten the memo.

Finding the Innocence hadn't been the hard part; catching the damn thing was proving to be the near-to-impossible task. The creature was unbelievably fast, and it always ran away from anyone who approached it.

Even the Noah were having difficulty catching this majestic bastard.

Lavi found a few manuscripts describing how unicorns could only be captured by virgins, so the Order had tested this theory by sending little Timothy out to catch the Innocence. The theory had quickly been shot down though when, after seeing Timothy for barely half a second, the unicorn had leaped away, disappearing impossibly fast into the woods.

Despite the recent failure, Lavi wasn't quite shaken from the theory just yet. Well, he had a modified theory in his mind. He had observed that when Miranda was sent out to the forest, the unicorn hadn't practically disappeared when it saw her; it trotted away of course, but at a much slower and peaceful pace than its usual run.

Perhaps the unicorn responded to a sort of mental virginity? It sounded ridiculous, but maybe this thing didn't care about what someone physically did, but how that person thinks about sex. Avoiding impure thoughts and all that good old Christian stuff the "Innocence from God" would love.

It would certainly explain why the unicorn ran away like a bolt of lightening from Timothy.

Or maybe it even wanted both mental  _and_  physical "purity?"

After pitching this version of the theory to the Order, they sent out darling Lenalee to the scene. Lenalee blushed and Lavi blushed for Lenalee, but they weren't about to explain the... situation to big brother Komui. And so, Lenalee went along with the plan, hoping that maybe she could chase down the unicorn without having to confirm or deny Lavi's theory.

Lavi accompanied Lenalee on her travel to Germany, and as they were walking through the forest, they came across a very undesirable scene. The unicorn was in the center of a clearing in the woods; Road Kamelot and Tyki Mikk stood nearby, waiting for a good time to strike.

The two exorcists hid in the cover of the trees, deciding to observe the situation instead of charging into the clearing without a plan. Perhaps they could just wait out until the Noah lost the Innocence; Lavi had seen the unicorn run away from Road and Lulubell several times (those two were definitely not little innocents, one being the Noah of Lust and the other constantly fantasizing about a certain white-haired exorcist), so there was no reason why today's result would be any different. Lavi had never seen Tyki here, but he was certain that the creep would never get near the unicorn.

Something was odd about the unicorn today though; normally, it'd be shifting around, preparing to bound away, but today, it stood stock still, staring at the two Noah and occasionally glancing into the darkness of the trees, looking over at Lenalee and Lavi in the shadows.

There were a few moments of silence as everyone seemed to think about their options, and then there was the sudden sound of a match being struck and the smell of cigarette smoke.

"Road, so you're telling me you and Lulubell couldn't catch this horse that's just standing here?" Tyki mocked as he brought his newly lit cigarette to his mouth. Road hit Tyki's arm and followed the battery with some typical Road Kamelot whining.

"I swear this unicorn is impossible to catch! It's just acting weird right now; look, I bet you a year's worth of candy that you won't be able to even touch it, let alone catch it!" she said. Tyki looked her over a moment and then accepted her little bet with Road smirking all the while. Meanwhile, Tyki's expression just appeared to be some sort of mix between amused and bemused.

He slowly began to walk towards the unicorn, cautious of scaring it off. The unicorn's attention was fixed on him, but the creature didn't seem to have any intention of running. Gaining some confidence at this lack of fear in the unicorn, Tyki approached it a bit more briskly.

Lavi looked over at Lenalee to see if she was seeing what he was seeing, and sure enough, she seemed to be just as confused as he was. Glancing back at the scene, he saw that Road was in the same situation.

When Tyki was a few steps away from the unicorn, the creature tensed for a moment, as though ready to bolt away. Tyki froze too, and the two had a staring match for a few seconds. The unicorn relaxed slightly, walked a step towards the Noah, then another step, and then...

It walked right up to him and nudged him.

The symbol of purity and grace walked right up to freaking Tyki Mikk and practically cuddled up against him.

Tyki didn't seemed to understand how weird this was, and, as he ran his hands through the Innocence's hair, Road and the two hidden observers looked on in amazed confusion.

"Tyki, what kind of trick did you just pull?" Road shouted as she ran towards him. At the sound of Road's voice and the girl's quick approach, the unicorn suddenly turned around and flashed away into the darker parts of the forest, leaving a stunned Tyki standing where the two previously were.

There was a silence as those present absorbed what just occurred, and as the pieces fell into place in Lavi's mind, he couldn't help but shout out the epiphany he just had.

"Don't tell me Tyki fucking Mikk is a goddamn virgin!"

At the outburst, Lenalee slapped a hand over Lavi's mouth and the two Noah turned sharply towards the source of the sound. With a quick curse and mumble about what an idiot Lavi was, Lenalee activated her Innocence and sped away, pulling along a stupefied Lavi Bookman with her.

Tyki Mikk remained very confused.

**Author's Note:**

> Asexual totally-not-interested-in-sex Tyki is the best Tyki.


End file.
